I’m sure I’ve encountered more than two, but I’m getting old and have a four month old at home, therefore I can’t remember nearly as much as I used to.
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I spent over an hour Wednesday night with my Timothy. Cracks have recently formed within his mask and people, important people, have begun to take notice. So we drank a few beers, I asked lots of questions, and he answered every one unflinchingly. Right before he left, he asked permission to give me a hug. Keep in mind that he knows I’m gay. I think he’s known that ever since we met, but we openly discussed my sexuality months ago (he prodded) well before things had gotten so difficult for him personally.
I gave him permission to do so and we embraced in the darkness of my garage with faint thunderclaps rumbling in the distance. Despite the fact that he bent my right ear back with his own for a few painful seconds, it was a welcome gesture. And there was honesty there as well which he and I have talked about a good bit, though looking back, there were definitely no sparks which I’m very thankful for.
In the past, I’ve played with the fantasy of holding / being held by another man as I would hold my wife or even my kidlets before bedtime. These fantasies are ripe with feelings of warmth and safety, and I find that they typically find their way into my psyche when I’m feeling misunderstood / dejected. Thankfully, I haven’t had to deal with any of that as of late. I believe these are very typical fantasies for gays.
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What I do have to deal with on occasion in the real world is what I call intimate violation touch.
This is touch that is unwarranted but happens because perhaps the toucher sees me as someone that will either appreciate it or do nothing about it or some combination of the two. Usually, definitely, some combination of the two.
The first individual I remember experiencing this from was a very masculine man, not old enough to be my father, but at least 13 to 15 years my senior. This was the kind of guy that took no prisoners, loved risk, etc. He was the alpha male that the majority of his peers looked up to. Because of this and his above average looks, women took notice and he wasn’t afraid to flirt when the opportunity presented itself. My weirdest memory of this man was his propensity for dropping his pants unexpectedly to adjust his package and re-tuck in his shirt. He would do this at the drop of a hat and boy was it awkward.
The second individual is the opposite of the first in every way.
Have you ever had another man walk by you and touch or slightly pinch you right above the waistline? Ideally, you would have your back to him as he’s approaching so there’s anonymity on approach and once the touch has happened, he continues on giggling or saying nothing at all. The touch is made that much more demeaning because it is accompanied by a buzzing or squeaking sound. Similar to what the toucher would make if he were tickling an infant.
Have you ever been in tight quarters with another man trying to gain access to the opposite side of the shared space and had him cup his hand, touch your side, and “guide” you past?
I have.
With the masculine guy (this has been many years ago), I didn’t mind this behavior too much. I was in a different place relative to my fantasy life than I am today and therefore secretly enjoyed the attention. And besides, I was probably too intimidated to say anything otherwise. But now, I find myself being seriously annoyed by these violations. I don’t want anyone touching me with anything unless they either ask permission first or have a relationship with me that is appropriate for it which none of these men do.
Okay, wait a minute…I just remembered a third guy! This one is a few years younger than me, very masculine and somewhat intimidating. So, there’s been at least three violators, to some degree or another, throughout my career as an architect.
At this point, I find myself avoiding close contact with people that have a propensity to do this to me.
Now, here’s the $64,000 question. Why me and not other men that are within these touchers’ reach? What makes me the target?
