February 8, 2011
Getting to know your husband better over the past two to three months has been a privilege. I believe that his future is bright. It’s obvious to me that he loves Christ, the church, and you very much.
The opportunity is now for both of you to seize the day regarding the ministry God’s called him to. I wanted to take a few minutes to describe to you in summary all that I’ve learned about your spouse in an attempt to better equip you as his wife.
Based on what he’s shared with me, in the past, the primary deficit in Tim’s life has been emotional intimacy. He craves it like a vampire craves blood. He’s especially drawn to the memory of its warmth and flavor when he feels like a failure or grows bored. In its place, he often times supplements it with hard core porn. Watching people have sex online is unacceptable behavior for any Christian, despite the fact that it’s served to help your husband cope. He knows this, but unfortunately, his pace of life and lackadaisical attitude has been fertile ground for developing some crippling habits related to his use of the internet.
In order to relinquish his dependence on this garbage, you both must be willing to engage each other on a deeply personal level. Otherwise, I believe, he will never fully break away from it. Both yours and Tim’s willingness to do this is a critical component of his recovery from these “justified” behaviors along with his own determination to mimic the behavior of more mature Christians who choose not to delve into the machinations of the porn industry for any reason whatsoever.
In order to promote this, I’d like to encourage you to talk to him about your feelings on a daily basis. Share your hopes and dreams and disappointments on a regular basis. Be willing to ask him about sex. Because of his deep and abiding love for you, Tim wants to know your heart. He craves it.
Your husband is enamored with all things sexual. This is not uncommon for some guys. In fact, other than our mutual dependence on the gospel of Jesus Christ, it is the tie that binds our friendship together. Sex to Tim is the purest form of intimacy there is. He wants to experience it with you and he wants you to want it as much as he. He realizes that’s highly unlikely, but through God’s grace, finding common ground is possible. This should more than satisfy his libido as he learns to respectfully pursue your physical affections throughout the remaining days of your married life.
Masturbation is important to Tim. Rarely does he view online porn without doing this. Again, this is not uncommon for the majority of men his age, who justify the use of porn, or otherwise. Is masturbation acceptable in God’s eyes? When it’s tied to lustful fantasies, it is not. Can it be a healthy part of a marriage? I think so, but that’s for the two of you to decide. Again, this is something that needs to be talked about on a regular basis.
Lastly, Tim loves your parents. But, he’s ready for you to relinquish your emotional anchor from them and transfer it to him completely. This may mean spending less time with your folks overall or for a season. I would encourage you to begin to habitually take time to examine your relationship with your Mom and Dad in detail as it relates to your marriage.
You may be really angry after reading this. I hope not. That was not my intent. I only wanted you to know these things in an attempt to help. Angie and I love both you and Tim and look forward to seeing what lays ahead for each of you as the Lord leads your ministry forward.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. May God bless you and yours.
Sincerely,
Rob Turner
