For much of my life, I’ve felt that God has had his hand upon me directly, coming from the family that I did, as a gay youth…with few, if any, tangible scars. And by scars, I’m referring to roadblocks or cataclysmic events. In summary: my parents were married, are still married; I had a better than average high school experience / education, challenging / enlightening college career, marriage, children, and on and on. There have certainly been challenges and trials along the way, but overall it’s been a very satisfying life so far.
But during times of disappointment, especially when people I care about disappoint me, that’s when I feel as if God has left me behind.
I’m intelligent enough to realize that human beings aren’t God, nor do they represent God necessarily, but because of my emotional sensitivity, disappointment hits me very, very hard.
I’ve never allowed it to keep me from continuing to reach out and take risks when it comes to relationships, but man, it hurts when people simply don’t follow through. Even more hurtful is experiencing their intentional emotional neglect. Perhaps they're incapable of engaging at this moment in time because of extenuating circumstances or perhaps they’re just really busy, but I don’t think so. I think it’s none of that or any other excuse.
They simply refuse to give a damn in hopes that I’ll simply walk away from my obligations or become so emotionally frustrated with the entire situation that I make that many more “mistakes”.
Years ago, I read a book that talked about swimming in life with either dolphins or sharks. It’s a choice. It’s always a choice.
For the greater good, there are times when swimming with sharks is permissible to me, but it is always dangerous and oftentimes very hurtful as they will turn on me in a heartbeat. And of course as a dolphin, I give them the benefit of the doubt. Surely, it was just an accident, I often think to myself. But, I do learn quickly.
But when is it enough? What constitutes the tipping point? When do I let go of the greater good out of self-preservation? I do not know the answer to that question, though I believe it lies in my motives as it relates to the greater good. Again, this is fuzzy and confusing to me. And God has given me little, if any, confirmation regarding.
How do I know that I’m simply not trusting Him with that which I’ve “put up with” for so very long? Trusting Him being walking away from it…forever or at least for a season.
-------------------------
When I was a teen, I prayed fervently that God would bend my heart in the direction he wanted me to go in life. I also relied on him to open or close doors for me to move through, again through prayer and petition. Perhaps both of these things should be my prayer at this point in time regarding my current very disappointing situation.
How frustrating it can be to not see the end of the road. How frustrating as well to not be able to see how to even get beyond this point.
When will someone stand up for me? When will my knight in shining armor ride in? My encourager, my example, my friend?
Certainly Jesus is all these things through his Word and the testimony of himself through his people. How I wish I could have been there. How I wish he’d looked at Rob and said those words… To be chosen like that. It must have been thrilling.
I will continue to wait patiently.
