Friday night I was lying in bed with the wife at a decent hour. I want to say it was around 10 o'clock. It hadn't been a particularly long week, though we were both looking forward to a good night's sleep as we started our weekend.
When I first lie down, I stretch out on my back, put my arm above my head and just enjoy the quiet and the darkness. Angie usually falls asleep right away.
On this particular evening, I started replaying gay porn scenes in my mind's eye that had been titillating to me in the past. Not the whole scene, just bits and pieces of scenes. It was enough of a teaser to make me REALLY WANT to get up, turn on the computer in the living room during the dark of night and surf for gay porn or any porn for that matter. It had been awhile since I'd done this sooooooo..... that made the temptation that much more intense. When a substantial space develops between myself and something I really want, when the opportunity arises, I often long to decrease that space instantaneously....on account of me persuading myself that it will be worth the brevity of a spiritual reset.
But I didn't do it. Instead, I rolled over and went to sleep. Not a deep sleep, but sleep nonetheless.
Around 11:30, the middle child walks into our room waking up my wife. I remember Angie saying something like "I wondered if this might happen". This particular child had been complaining of a stomach ache during dinner and had seemed unusually irritable the entire evening. Neither of us suspected her discomfort would result in an overnight pukefest.
It's been a few years since I've had vomit duty. Thankfully, during Angie's third pregnancy, she didn't contract a stomach virus as she did during the first two. So, it had been awhile since I'd been privy to the distinct aroma of fresh barf. It's that aroma that few in the house can stand without starting to gag themselves.
First I ordered by wife to hasten to the garage before I retrieved my oldest child from her bed. I had to carry her across the vomit saturated floors to eventually be at her mother's side. Second, I lifted my partially digested pasta and stomach acid covered middle child into our bathtub before stripping her disgusting clothes off of her (while holding my nose) and turning on the water.
The worst part of vomit duty is getting it on my feet. Because I didn't have my glasses on, I couldn't readily see the pools of "moist and chunky" up-chuck well enough to avoid all of it as I traversed back and forth wildly from one end of the house to the other. I actually pulled a muscle in my neck - of all places - during this frenzy.
Third, all of the dirty linens, pillows, clothing, stuffed animals, and anything else that had even a speck of puke on it, I torpedoed out onto the darkened patio. Thankfully, we had a can of carpet shampoo, and by the grace of God it was enough to "do the job". I look forward to the day when we can replace our carpet but not from the standpoint of it being out of style. Know this: there's no way to actually clean liquids out of carpet. That which isn't removed from the surface is pushed down into the fibers / pad to remain forever.
Finally, I went out to the patio and doused the contaminated pile with gasoline before setting it ablaze.
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A month or so ago, I met two young gay men who are living in our 'hood at a picnic. I'd suspected that the homeowner might be gay, but seeing him with his partner on this day served to confirm. I took the opportunity to introduce myself to his lover in hopes of getting to know him better. I can't say that I'm a friend of the homeowner, but he and I have known each other for quite some time. Needless to say, his partner seemed skittish and uncomfortable at answering my queries. I wanted to lean in to him and whisper "It's okay. I'm gay too.", but I didn't.
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Needless to say, I was READY to come back to work on Monday after Friday night. Thankfully, middle child's esophageal exhortations ceased by Saturday morning, though we did spend the bulk of that day sanitizing the entire house. We have one of those super premium front loading washing machines. It actually has a vomit cycle. Thank God for that. What? Did you really believe I burned everything?
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Gay couples are a ridiculous sight. The older I get and the more entrenched I become in raising a family only serves to bolster this in me. I don't mind being polite. In fact, I am amazed at their courage to be seen out in public. Wow. What a joke. I mean, please.
And by the way, I'm glad I didn't get up to look at porn. Here's to adding even more space between myself and Colt Studio Group. Damn you internet.
