What defines a bad marriage?
In my eyes, it’s when one (or both) spouse’s needs aren’t being met by the other party(ies) involved. This usually manifests itself when the couple simply isn’t a good match. In other words, somebody made a poor choice. More often than not, I find that one party settled for the other thinking they could “make it work” or initiate change within the other party after they’d said their vows. No one wants to be alone. As the clock ticks within a single person’s life, that also can play a part in increasing the likelihood of making a poor choice.
A false sense of self seems to often play a role as well. When an individual finds it difficult to see themselves clearly or their situation, I believe their understanding of others can also be clouded, despite their intelligence or abilities related to other circumstances within their life.
In other words, you must understand yourself well enough prior to marriage to then be able to parse through the layers of another individual in hopes of finding some semblance of a reflection.
You may have met some of these individuals. After getting to know their spouses, you shake your head and say, “Do what?” and “How did this happen?” If you yourself are in a healthy, growing marriage, you feel sad and thankful that your own situation is different.
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Infidelity is nurtured within and often grows out of bad marriages. The cognizant spouse finds themselves tormented at times when they’re placed in situations that “require” interaction with members of the opposite sex who they see themselves within, inevitably giving them the opportunity to mingle with a better match. Regret and anger can then surface unexpectedly. If one is female, romantic fantasy can begin to play a part as well and the situation then gets very complicated.
When I was thirteen years old, just as I was entering puberty, my tiny world began to fall apart before my eyes. My most harrowing memory during this time period was watching my father repeatedly try to contact my mother over the telephone while she was away on a business trip to the coast with her very masculine, very handsome boss. It was late evening. I had gone to bed but wasn’t asleep. His panicked, infuriated tone brought me to his side. I can still remember him looking right through me before racing to the garage, starting his car and speeding away into the darkness in desperation…
I was terrified of being left alone in that modest ranch house. What was I to do? Time seemed to stand still as I witnessed the death of my mother’s husband’s trust. So much tension had been building up between my parents over the preceding months. I later learned that my father wisely armed himself with a means of gathering concrete information regarding his wife’s philandering nature which required no effort on his part. And, thankfully, he did come back home a few minutes later once he began to gather his wits.
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Even without infidelity playing a part, bad marriages increase the likelihood of individuals choosing to entangle themselves in the lives of members of the opposite (or even same) sex unhealthily. This can be especially easy to do within a work environment. If you factor in a free spirited, naive individual into the mix, things can become very confusing.
When I was in high school, the bulk of time spent with kids that were about my age was either at church, church sponsored events, or work. I had very few friends in my class at the small private academy I attended. Being a gay teenager meant I was fluent in “speaking girl”. Unfortunately, I was so adept at it that I seriously confused a fair share of them. Not realizing how much harm I was actually doing, I ended up on two separate occasions having to state the facts about the relationship(s) that I’d haphazardly worked to foster. Much weeping and gnashing of teeth ensued by the young women who had emotionally tethered themselves to Rob after they were told "I always assumed that we were just friends". Ouch.
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So what’s to be done when you find yourself in one of these quandaries? First and foremost, you must determine how you got in the situation to begin with. Were you like my parents who fornicated and as a result got pregnant, before hastily marrying as teenagers? Or, did you simply make a poor choice?
My parents worked through my mother’s infidelity laboriously over the course of a couple of years before finally relinquishing their selfish youthfulness and maturing spiritually and emotionally. There was no secret prayer or simple formula for them. I watched them struggle to make it work. They wrestled with their situation before deciding as individuals to attempt to re-build what little (if any) that they’d previously constructed within their marriage. It was only after they reached that point that they were able to utilize the ashes of their previous defeats as a launch pad towards the future. And for decades now, I'm proud to say, they've continued to foster a workable relationship. It isn't perfect, but it works really well for them.
For others, I don’t know. I especially worry about young couples who are just starting out and in this position. Those who have made it work for many years, I also worry over just not as much.
Remember, if you’ve made a poor choice in a spouse, there’s no guarantee that you won’t repeat the same mistake twice. All things considered, it was your choice to begin with. Own it for what it is. And then pray for wisdom, pour on the communication, and consistently work to satisfy your sexual appetite.
And please, for goodness sakes, don’t reproduce until you feel certain that it’s God’s will for you to do so. Children test the integrity of marriages in ways that are unfathomable until you bring them into the picture.
Is it better to be single for one’s entire life or in a "bad" marriage?
There’s always hope and providence for God’s children. Have faith no matter your circumstances.
And lastly, if you're privy to a bad marriage either by observation or direct communication, and you're of the opposite sex, be on guard. You have the potential to make the situation much, much worse. It's best to play it safe and keep your distance.
