Collateral damage / Spread the love

There are times when I see handsome men in public who I wonder about.  Men that give off that certain vibe.  And that gets me thinking about not being a husband to Angie and a father to my three children and wondering what it would be like to be in a sexual relationship with another gay man.  A relationship that would consist of living together, sleeping together, raising our pets together.

A friend of mine was in a sexual relationship with a friend of his for quite some time.  He’s also married with children.  He made a comment to me that if his buddy would have reciprocated his love, he often “saw” them having a happy life together within his own mind.  Fortunately for him and his family, this relationship was a farce.  The sex they were having was based on pity and hormones alone.  My friend had been had, but in his mind, it was worth it for the sex and the anticipation thereof.

Ang and I have a handful of neighbors who are either gay or lesbian.  Some are more public than others with their relationships.  One of the gay couples is middle age.  They’ve lived on our cul-de-sac for close to a decade.  Neither men interact much with anyone else on our street.  There’s a real sense that they’re “laying low”.  You rarely see them out of their home together.  They primarily drive separate vehicles and frankly seem to have completely separate lives despite the fact that they live together.

How do I know they’re gay?

I’ve been in their home once or twice.  It’s obvious that they share a bedroom.

The media sometimes works to portray gay men who are in committed relationships.  It’s interesting to delve into that genre and see what’s come about from a group of writers efforts to entertain / inspire. 
Straight actors who play gay men aren’t believable to this gay man.  To me, they look like they’re trying too hard.

Gay porn is a thriving source of entertainment on the internet.  Thriving.  Gay men use it.  Straight / gay women use it.  Even some straight men use it.  Intense guy on guy sexual activity.  For so many, it epitomizes what it means to be gay during this day and age.

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The results of not being in a sexual relationship with another man for me is workable.  God has provided me with a wife.  Thank God for Angie.  I’m so grateful for finding a woman who’s willing to put up with me!  But, if I weren’t a husband / father, where would I be?  Would I be willing to compromise my faith and have sex with a close friend or otherwise?

Let’s think about this for a moment.

What options would I have?  How do I cope with my gayness even today?

I turned my sexuality over to the Lord when I was in high school.  As a Christian, I needed direction, and I knew from scripture that there was no wiggle room for acting out on my sexual desires.  Plus, none of that activity has ever made sense to me, though I am beginning to deal with the shame that demarcates that portion of my life and subsequently am attempting to understand its root. 

But, what if I didn’t feel this way?  What if it made complete sense to me?  What if my family had encouraged it?  What if my gay neighbors seemed genuinely happy to be having sex with each other, and their lifestyle looked normal?

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Many years ago, I would purchase Playgirl magazines from our local Books-A-Million.  Playgirl was my first foray into gay porn as an adolescent.  And it wasn't purchased just for the images.  It was the experience of purchasing the magazine from the bookstore.  Having to ask for it from the clerk (since they were stored behind the counter) brought about physiological changes which resulted in such a high for me.  But, there was always one caveat:  the interaction that HAD TO TAKE PLACE between myself and the clerk.  The fact that my Christian witness would (and was) be shattered.  No Christian should ever buy or use porn.  Ever.  The only portion of Jesus many people will ever see is that which you present to them as you rub shoulders with pagans throughout your life.

I remember on one occasion asking for a Playgirl mag from a large black woman one afternoon.  After handing me the periodical, she said, “You go and tell all of your kind to come back here to me” with a big grin on her face.

I didn’t reply, before exiting the store hastily.  The periodical was in the garbage within an hour after it was purchased.  Too bad that wasn't the last time I ever did that.

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If I were to have a sexual relationship with another man either publicly or otherwise, my witness as a Christian would be completely flushed down the toilet.  Gone forever in at least one individual’s eyes.

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Years ago, I asked a new neighbor of ours to join us for dinner one night.  He agreed to come a week or so prior, but to our surprise, he asked to bring “a friend” the evening before.  I had no problem with that.  The friend turned out to be a girl he had recently started dating.  She was pleasant enough.  A few weeks later, we noticed that they were shacking up.  We felt certain that neither of them were Christians, but their willingness to publicly eschew any attempt to hide their fornication confirmed it. 

Everyone has a right to call it like they see it.  It’s difficult, if not impossible to get past that sometimes.
 
All of us are constantly observing everyone else.  Some more than others.  If you’re a Christian, you’re called to consider, always consider your witness.  If it’s damaged, it’s never easily repaired.  And, at times, it breaks into so many pieces that repair is impossible.

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Where does that leave me?  Or you?  Let's say you’re a Christian and you’re married.  Sometimes you feel constrained.  Sometimes you (I) ache to be in the arms of another man.  Sometimes you look at yourself in the mirror after everyone’s gone to bed and take comfort in the illusion of another man’s company.  Another man’s interest.

Come out of hiding.  Find another Christian man that you trust and come out.  Then do it again.  And again.  Work to be a friend to the men God provides you with.  Go above and beyond and don’t hesitate to tell them that you NEED THEM in your life as a friend.  Your situation isn’t as off the wall as you might think. 

When starting this process, make certain the first men you approach are straight, to the best of your ability.

You’ll be amazed at how the Lord leads you during this process.  You’ll be amazed at how adept you are at loving these men, and how quickly more and more opportunities open up for you to minister and be ministered to.  I believe that gay Christian men are called to do this until the Lord takes them home. 

Eventually, you’ll find your soul knitted together to some of these gents.  And vice versa.  These deep rooted connections should be cherished, protected, and respected to the upmost degree.  The Lord will work to sustain you through your darkest days via these intangible connections.

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  "The great breakthrough in human evolution, the one that made civilization possible, was the discovery that two alpha males could form intense bonds of ur brotherhood instead of the normal pattern of fighting 'til one is dead or driven away. It is the story of Gilgamesh & Enkidu. A man will plunge into hell for his friend. Thus the male DNA is tricked into sacrificing itself to the benefit of unrelated DNA. Story triumphs over instinct. The monogamous civitas triumphs over the patriarchal tribe. Instead of one alpha male reproducing his superior genes over & over again, a far higher proportion of males reproduce, even though some die in war. All because human males learned how to trick themselves into loving each other to the point of suicidal madness." Orsen Scott Card - Empire - 2006