Temple Inventory Update – July, August, September 2011

In looking back over the past three months, I cannot honestly update you because too much time has past.  This is my own fault.  I can tell you where I’m at today and intermingle that with tidbits from the past. 

I’m not being fed right now.  Our pastor is an academic and his deliver method is robotic.  It’s unfortunate because our church is well positioned to minister to the masses, but so many (men especially) refuse to sit through a service that has no heart.  I tolerate it because I know that we’re supposed to be there during this time despite my situation.  And I believe that change is coming.

Since school started back in August, Angie has been suffering greatly from chronic sinus pain.  Whether its due to allergies or head colds, its only been in the past two weeks that she’s been able to shake it.  That on top of other difficult circumstances that she’s been faced with outside of our home have left her only sporadically interested in sex.  For me, this hasn’t been overtly difficult to bear.  I’ve found myself okay with just going with the flow in an attempt to be sensitive to her situation.  But, not being physically intimate dramatically changes the dynamic of one’s marriage.  It’s inevitable.  This needs to change very soon. 

I believe I’ve looked at internet porn thrice.  Once was after reading a “news” story about a substitute school teacher in FL who lost his job due to the more risque portions of his resume being concealed from his employer.  The other times were fueled by exhaustion and my refusal to cast my cares onto my Savior.  Thanks be to God, I’ve found myself interested in porn less and less, though currently I find myself at a crossroads regarding this deadly seed.  The holidays are approaching.  They are my least favorite time of year.  Systemically, I’ve delved into porn more so then than ever.  What will this year look like?  The Lord is currently very disappointed with my failing to choose wisely.  I do not want this trend to continue.  In fact, I’d like to be able to tell you in January 2012 that none of it has graced my eyes since yesterday. 

I’ve been inconsistently reading 1 Samuel.  I could hit the highlights, but won’t do so this time around.  I must admit that I did my reading more from the standpoint of it being an obligation as a Christian than anything else.  I did enjoy narrating the story to my kidlets on a few occasions.  I hope to continue that trend.

The anniversary of Sept. 11 was more difficult to bear than I ever expected.  I went through a period of doubting the existing of God, which for me was terrifying.  In many ways, I feel as if I’m just beginning to come back from that dark place. 

Speaking of dark places, I alluded to shame during a previous post.  I have recently found myself keenly aware of my gay feelings.  It happened unexpectedly as they were willingly drawn out by a brother, though it wasn’t overt seduction.  More like a mixture of reverse psychology and posturing in an attempt to prove a point.  And the point was proven, but since I haven’t heard back from Tim, I’m left alone with this shame.  This shame that isn’t rational, but because I feel it, one I most certainly can’t deny.  I appreciate his solidarity as a brother but wonder where we go from here.

And here it is in a nutshell…  I now fully understand what it means to be a gay Christian man.  So much of that experience is accepting that part of me.  That part of me that’s like a caged tiger pacing back and forth, back and forth waiting for an opportunity to be set free.  If it’s ever released, me and my victim would be changed forever.  The sex would most definitely be scorching hot, consuming both of us.

I used to kid myself about that kind of thing up until recently, but coming face to face with my “potential” has changed all of that.  I’ve struggled with understanding God’s take on my situation, and I feel sorry for my spouse, knowing that she’s married to someone who walks this tightrope (despite the fact that she’s more than willing to do so).  The crux of the matter is I’m anticipating a weighty resolve soon.  I know it sounds self-righteous, but I do believe that all of this tension will someday be worth it.  How can one find healing and change without overtly acknowledging his own servitude to his sinful desires? 

How gay men walk through their lives secretly fulfilling their sexual desires behind their spouse’s backs without putting a gun to their heads, baffles me.  What do we have if we don’t have honesty?  But, at the same time, I can sympathize with their situation to some degree knowing full well the onslaught of confusion that comes from being where I’m at today.

I have found myself feeling lonely at times, living in this family that I’ve found myself within, though going about our routine helps tremendously in that regard.  And what a routine it is! 

In the past, I was always all about anticipation.  The next milestone, the next event, the next, the next…  That’s no longer the case with me.  I anticipate nothing.  I just look for opportunities now.  Opportunities that I believe God has placed in my path.  This new perspective is also foreign to me.  Finding myself concretized within the present is one of the weirdest things I’ve ever experienced.   

And those opportunities keep coming.  Men continue to be drawn to me.  There are two in my life now that listen intently to my words.  It’s almost magical to have the opportunity to counsel and challenge on the level that I’m able.  Thanks be to God for that.  Also, thanks be to God that I’m not doing it to impress or prove anything.  I understand the importance of accepting my own failings in an attempt to reach out from a place of care and concern.  And also, it’s not just about proselytizing when I’m around my pagan friends.  I’m trying to remember that they are completely in God’s hands.

I cannot help but observe the faith of my children.  Seeing their love for Christ and such deep a commitment to their understanding of God buttresses my own sometimes wobbly faith.

I want a man in my life who is just across the street, waiting for me when I get home from a long day.  That guy who I deeply respect but who I also wonder about when I look hard.  The mystery man who excites and intimidates.  Someone who encourages and rebukes.  Someone I truly look up to.  It wouldn’t hurt for me to be attracted to this man as well.  Whether he be gay or straight, he should deeply love the Lord.

This description will never be fulfilled until I see Jesus in heaven someday.  I know that deep down.  And sometimes this frustrates me immensely. 

Lastly, I finished reading Desiring God.  Highly recommended.  If you doubt your faith, read this book.  If you think Christians are idiots, read this book.  If you want to get inside the head of a man who isn’t about critiquing secularism, read this book.  If you want to know the rigor of looking hard at scripture, read it.  You won’t be disappointed.