Anger mismanagement

By the time I was around the age of 12, I was an avid comic book reader.  This interest was sparked via Richie Rich comic books that I acquired at the Tote-Sum adjacent to my mother's place of employment during my pre-adolescent years. 

I'm not sure what drove my interest in Richie.  There was a neighbor boy named Richie that had lived nearby.  He and I weren't close friends.  I don't know.  Maybe the blonde hair and cute shorts.  I don't know.  Plus, he was always in such a good mood.

Eventually, this pursuit evolved into purchasing comics from one of the Jackson area's first comic book stores.  My best friend introduced this avenue for burning threw funds, and boy, did he ever demonstrate how to burn threw money on comics / graphic novels, etc.  By this time, I was primarily reading the typical super hero genre, though I do remember by this point in time, it was all beginning to grow stale.

On one particular afternoon, I was purusing the inventory within the store alone.  I believe my mother had dropped me off and left me there to shop while she did some of her own burning around the corner.  The building was a wood frame structure that was very rickety, almost like an antiquated schoolhouse.  It had lots of natural light that flooded the interior thanks to the repetitively spaced single hung windows.  And due to the lack of upholstered / carpeted surfaces, it was a noisy space as well.

The proprietor of the shop answered the telephone at the counter while I was browsing.  It was a call he was expecting.  I could tell this by his tone.  There wasn't anyone else in the shop but he and I.

Keep in mind that this was probably 1986.

I could tell the man was faced with a dilemma.  He knew I could hear his end of the conversation despite the fact that I wasn't spatially close.  So, he tried to talk in a low voice.  But, you know, he was a typical man.  His voice was deep and therefore carried easily.

He was talking to a therapist.  It was a return call from first contact.  The therapist asked lots of questions.  The man gave heartfelt responses.  I discerned that a young son was involved and that the same abuse had been inflicted on this man when he was a boy.  Obviously, he wanted this to go no further.  He wanted to learn how to stop before he ever lost control again.

I often wonder if he did.

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I have a brilliant friend who works as an electrician by trade.  I met him on a job site when I was in the private sector.  His team installed the bulk of the electrical system within a particular building that I happened to design the lighting system for.  His request for information (rfi's) were the most eloquently written affairs I'd ever encountered.  It was obvious that his cognitive abilities far exceeded his trade skills.

He's told me numerous stories regarding his father's outbursts of rage when he was a youth.  On one occasion, he remembers he and his sister going door to door, house to house, in an attempt to find help for their mother, who they believed was close to losing her life.  My friend's father was an avid collector of firearms.  Those mixed with his unstable temper, not to mention plenty of alcohol added to the mix, often resulted in some terrifying episodes.    

My friend would go on to say that rarely, if ever, did any neighbor listen to their pleas for help.  They simply didn't want to get involved.

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On Tuesday of last week, I got kicked in the teeth emotionally.  When this happens, I rarely if ever respond in kind.  My reaction is one of a cool cucumber.  It's as if I'm saying, "No problems here."  I did receive a partial apology accompanied by some very glib feedback from my friend.

And this was a close friend who did this.  It wasn't like it was a emotionally unstable neighbor or somesuch. 

When I get angry, it burns within me like a smoldering fire hidden under wool blankets.  I encapsulate it quickly and then try to ignore it, going about my everday life, though never really dealing with it right then and there. 

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I've lived with at least one woman for 16 years now.  Women are very different from men in their demeanor and their demands.  When Ang and I were still newlyweds, she went through a severe bout of anxiety / paranoia that frustrated me to no end.  For two years, I had to cope with this.  The hardest part was her clinginess.  I'd never witnessed such fragility in my life.  Where was the woman I had dated?  That was the question I asked myself repeatedly.  Not being willing to reach out to anyone for help with this also didn't help matters.  I refused to allow anyone to adjudicate my newly acquired nuptials as anything but perfect.

On one occasion, out of anger and frustration, I pushed my wife out of our bed and onto the carpeted floor in disgust during an argument over "snuggle time".  I remember that definitely got her attention.  She immediately jumped up, screaming demands that I NEVER DO THAT AGAIN.  In writing about this, I'm amazed at how ridiculously insensitive my response was. 

She was a woman, for God's sakes!

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Two of my father's brothers are / were divorced.  One of these men did so because his wife / my aunt / was cheating on him with a younger, much hotter man.  This particular brother / my uncle, by nature, was a bully with a massive temper.  Though this man was warned to not hit his wife in retaliation for what she'd chosen to do, (I'm fairly sure) he didn't heed the advice.  Those violent acts against her may have felt  good at the time, but in the end, the result was more pain and suffering for him.  She eventually divorced my uncle and married her new stud, taking the three children with her.

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The smoldering coals of my anger ignited instantly this past weekend.  Ironically, it happened on Sunday morning, whilst trying to get my children ready for church (sans wife).  The ignition was sparked by an unexpected phone call that my wife received, which in turn prompted her to quickly leave the house.  Soon thereafter, the target of my outburst was my middle child. 

As a parent, with multiple children, I find that you unintentionally keep score relative to their behavior.  This is especially true as a father whose given regular updates from Mom that unfortunately tend to schew negative.  I think this has to be the norm for most households with multiple small children.

The bright side to this event was twofold:

1.  The child on the receiving end of my calousness, is extremely emotionally resilient. 
2.  I immediately realized my mistake, brought everyone together, and apologized.  Attempting to explain myself was no small feat, but perhaps someday my children will read this post and it will make more sense.

I cannot describe to you how difficult it is to raise children, lead a family, work full time, engage regularly with friends, and attempt to stay physically fit.  Not to mention read your Bible on occasion, pray, etc.  It's no wonder so many men either throw in the towel via abandoning their families outright or cope with the stresses via physical / verbal abuse, drugs / alcohol, etc.  It's like you're constantly running a marathon with no end in sight.  It just goes on and on.

I wish I could offer some advice to better handle anger.  It is an extremely difficult emotion to manage systemically.  Especially when the brunt of the anger is brought on by someone you love.  Someone you've invested a great deal in.

I refuse to be a robot, but at the same time, I refuse to continue to run the risk of boiling over on the individuals I care for the most.

Being very emotionally "vibrant" doesn't help matters.