Some of the most destructive things in life are (relatively) free

When I look back over my life, I find that it's the free stuff that has hurt me the most.  Me being my faith, my reputation, my sense of self worth.

As a teenager, it was free time that I chose to use unwisely weekend after weekend after weekend.  Deeply complicent gay sexual fantasies coupled with masturbation were the abnormalized norm for me.  This was especially true on Sunday afternoons when I was cordoned off within my bedroom.  This habit came about as I attempted to cope with the ramifications (same sex attraction) of my severely dysfunctional relationship with my Dad / Mom as well as my intense hatred / shame relative to my body.  From my face to my feet, there was NOTHING I could find to be proud of.  Hence the pleasure of making myself believe that other guys were consumed with the object of my disgust...me.

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Years ago, Angie was working for a small business that only consisted of a couple of other individuals.  Her position was part time, and the majority of the work she did for this company was from home.  Unexpectedly, the owners of this organization decided to move 100 miles away from Jackson.  Despite this fact, they wanted to keep Ang on board even going so far as to ask her to open a post office box on behalf of the business here in town.  Essentially, her role, as well as the role of the P.O. box, was to serve as a "branch" of this business within the greater Jackson area.

She immediately rented a post office box which I would usually check on my way home from work every other day.  The first day I did so, there were at least 5 different catalogs in the box that had been sent to the previous box owner by default.  I thought these had simply accumulated during the period of box transition, but for the next two weeks, this continued to occur.  Every day I'd check the box, there were 5 or 6 different catalogs.  If I failed to check it for more than a few days, it would be completely stuffed full of them.  

Systematically, I began telephoning the catalog companies each evening to ask for this particular post office box and subscriber to be removed from their mailing list.  It would take from 15 to 30 minutes each evening to accomplish this depending on how long I had to wait on hold.  Over a period of 3 to 4 months, each company had been notified and eventually the box only received mail for the business Angie was working for.  I would bet that I contacted at least 100 different companies during that period of time, politely asking them to cease and desist due to the fact that the post office box now belonged to a new owner.

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Numerous individuals that I work with smoke cigarettes on multiple occasions during the day.  Since our building is smoke free, they are relegated to a handful of outdoor spaces which are adjacent to it.  Like clockwork, I hear them call out to each other in a smokers' chorus prior to feeding their nicotine addiction collectively.

Smoking has to be the coolest habit one can acquire.  Not only do you have an excuse to take a break from work but you gain companionship as well.  Plus, it does wonders to one's voice.  Too bad it's so unhealthy and such a huge waste of time and money (when totaled up).

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In the past, we attended a Sunday School class at our church for new members.  I enjoy meeting new people and seized upon the opportunity on one particular Sunday when I noticed a woman sitting close to the back alone.  She looked overall unkempt and a bit haggard.  After the class, I made my way over to her to introduce myself.  After telling me her name and such, she mentioned why she only made it to church on occasion.  It was due to the constant care necessitated by the sheer quantity of pets she found herself responsible for.  I asked her to explain. 

This was the first time I'd ever met a stray animal hoarder.

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Video games (especially online video games) are popular ways to pass the time, but what if you spend an hour a day doing this or perhaps an ENTIRE WEEKEND? 

We tend to compartmentalize, like the post office box, these destructive behaviors, hoping no one will notice.  This is especially true of behaviors involving computers.  We consider it to be our time, our escape, OURS DAMMIT!

When I was 18, I left home and went to college.  I made up my mind during the summer after high school that I'd wasted enough time watching television, and therefore I was going to delete it from my life.  This didn't happen overnight, but over the course of my freshman year, I began to see television very differently having spent so little time in front of it during that time.  My sophomore roommate was sorely disappointed when I unpacked my car and failed to bring a tv into our dorm room.

I didn't want to waste time doing something that felt mindless and that only resulted in me staring at a stupid box whilst pushing the buttons on a remote anymore.  For me, this was one of the best decisions I ever made.  And after I made up my mind to do it, it really wasn't all that difficult to accomplish, thanks be to God.

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Destructive behaviors leave residue all over their victims.  You might believe you have your vice neatly compartmentalized, but you're wrong.  Wondering why you were passed over at work or why you have no friends?  Wondering why you're marriage is a joke or your faith is infantile?  Just look at how you choose to spend your free time.  There might be something there that needs close attention. 

Analyze it.  Get disgusted (at yourself).  Pray for strength.  Tap into God's resurrection power and change your life for the better.  If you can't do it alone, talk to your pastor, or find a new friend who is willing to help you clean out that compartment. 

Remember, your reputation is the most important thing God's given you besides His grace.  Protect it.  Cherish it.  From the inside out.

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