Should you tell your parents?

Regardless of whether you do or don't, they already know, or at least your mother knows.  Unless she's of really low intelligence or maybe a drunk.

To be a parent is to be suspicious of your children.  It comes with the territory, and it doesn't take long to suspect that a child might be gay or lesbian.

For me, I found myself telling my parents I was gay when I fell in love with my wife.  You might ask, was I sexually attracted to her?  Yes.  Had you ever been sexually attracted to another woman?  No.  Was the sexual attraction full on at the outset of your relationship?

Our situation was unique.  Ang and I first met when we were children.  We'd known each other as teens, even gone on one "date", therefore we definitely started our relationship as friends which then lead to dating during our college years.  Dating resulted in us falling in love.  Soon thereafter, I began to experience intense feelings of sexual attraction.  Unfortunately, this resulted in us fooling around a lot prior to our wedding day.  I don't recommend doing this.  It is a mockery.  I was to blame for this and take full responsibility for my poor choices.

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My Dad, just a short time prior to me coming out to he and my Mom had given me a copy of a radio broadcast from "Focus on the Family" which featured Dr. Joseph Nicolosi.  I was embarrassed to have been given this gift, but nevertheless, I took the opportunity to listen to it and found comfort there.  Eventually after coming out to my parents, I began counseling with Nicolosi himself via telephone.  This lasted for a couple of months.

Today, I am blessed with many guy friends, some of which are single and most of which are not ugly.  When my Dad sees me with these men, he always suspects that I'm having sex with them.  I know this may sound severe, but again, it's part of being a parent.  Over time, my Dad will eventually drop his guard relative to the dude, but in the end it comes down to him fully understanding me as his son.

My Dad knows how deceitful I can be if I so choose, plus he knows how adept I am at keeping secrets.  This comes from him having reared me within his home.  Despite the fact that we were never emotionally close, he was always there watching over me and my mother as I grew from boy to man.

Does it make me angry when I sense that he's defaulting towards this position?  It used to, but it doesn't anymore.  Now that I'm a parent myself, I understand where he's coming from.  He can't help what he's doing.  It's his job as my Dad.  And he will always be my Dad.

Does he make a big deal out of it?  No.  He knows that I'll stand up to his accusations and defend my own ground, and he doesn't want to risk damaging the delicate network that's between us.  This is a smart move on his part.

Out of respect for him, I make a point to answer his questions (usually down the road), regardless of how I'm feeling.  And, I do so honestly and without lacing any of my responses with sarcasm (which is often very hard to do).      

Premeditated lust

Many years ago, I was invited to attend a very luxurious four day - all expenses paid - getaway.  The trip was sponsored by a manufacturer of products that I was fairly consistent at specifying as an architect.  The location was remote and pastoral.  I was with a group of around 12, a few of which were also from Mississippi.  We stayed the first night in a major midwestern city before being flown by private jet to our final destination which was essentially a beautiful lodge on a lake set on the outskirts of a small town in the middle of nowhere.  The lodge was fully staffed.  Every meal was exquisite.  The booze flowed freely.  It was both a relaxing and slightly lonely trip for me despite the setting.  I'm just not much of an extended outdoorsy kind of guy...especially with strangers.  Perhaps the trip could have been one day shorter.  I remember being very ready to return home on the last day, for reasons you'll soon see.

The pilot who flew the corporate jet stayed with us at the lodge.  He asked me to join him for some mountain biking one afternoon despite the fact that we hadn't spent anytime together earlier on.  I agreed to go with him after soon realizing that he was probably just being polite in asking.  Keep in mind that I hadn't ridden a bike in many years, much less ever mountain biked.  After loading up two bikes into the back of a truck, we headed off. 

As a side note, during this period of my life, I had shared with very, very few people any details relative to my sexuality, that is, other than my wife.

So, when we arrived at our even more remote destination, he unloaded the bikes, we put on our helmets, and off we road. 

Within just a few minutes of the ride, I knew I had made a difficult choice in how to spend the afternoon.  It was too much, too fast...especially for a novice like myself, but circumstances being what they were, I was determined to do the best I could at keeping up.

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When I was in college, I had a roommate who was a serious bodybuilder.  He wasn't athletic but nevertheless had spent much of his free time during his high school career in the gym, and it had paid off.  For a young man in his early twenties, he was a very impressive specimen, and it wasn't just due to his allegiance to strength training but also to the inherent blessing of acquiring a particular combination relative to his DNA which lent itself to developing gains in mass and definition easily.

Surprisingly, I rarely found myself distracted by his physique even during the rare occasions that I was in the dorm for longer than usual, but that's not to say that it wasn't inspiring.  Thankfully, his personality also served to combat any tempation on my part.  Despite our differences, I eventually did find the nerve to ask him to teach me how to strength train, and he agreed to take me on.

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The bike ride was one of the most physically intense experiences I've ever taken part in.  I remember going up and down rough, narrow trails at a frighteningly fast pace as I tried desperately to keep up with my new friend.  The trails were rough, therefore every rut and stone was telegraphed through the aluminum frame and into my body as we road.  Eventually, I had to stop and walk the bike up the inclines.  I simply couldn't pedal any further.  The pilot was gracious enough to encourage me along as he waited patiently for me at each crest.  I couldn't help but be embarrassed. 

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On a Sunday afternoon, my roommate took me to the gym for our first workout.  From what I remember, it was a busy time in this dimly lit, sweat scented, heavy metal music filled cave.  There were multiple rooms filled with all means of well worn equipment, and each space was linked together confusingly not unlike Prince Prospero's abbey.  I couldn't have weighed more than 145 lbs. during this time. 

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The pilot had advised me to wear my swimsuit in case we decided to swim after our ride.  I had done so.  By God's grace, I didn't die, and we eventually reached a small lake adjacent to the trail.  The pilot road on to retrieve the truck, and I literally collapsed into the very cool, clear water completely spent. 

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Essentially, my roommate took me through his afternoon workout.  Every exercise he did, I mirrored.  He gave me no instructions relative to form or breathing.  There was no stretching or warm up.  There was no acknowledgement, in any form, that I was a novice.  He treated me like, I suppose, he would have treated a long term workout buddy.  It was very frustrating and incredibly difficult.  Once again, I knew almost immediately that I'd made a difficult choice in how to spend my afternoon.

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The pilot came back with the truck a few minutes later and loaded up the bikes as I sat motionless with just my head and toes above the shallow water at the edge of the placid body of water.  I was supporting my stiffened body with my hands on the lake bottom, relishing the illusion of weightlessness.  All of my muscles were fatigued, but the weird thing was, it felt as if I was still moving up and down those god forsaken trails.  I remember not being at all comfortable without my shirt on.  That was another reason I was submerged as I was, but the cool waters were more than enough to distract me from my shame, being the nice reward that they were.

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Eventually, we returned to our dorm room.  There was a flight of concrete steps that had to be traversed to get up to the ground level from the parking lot.  Those extra steep 8 or 9 risers were almost impossible for me to walk up.  My legs simply wouldn't work despite the fact that I'd been using them all my life.  Things became more disturbing when I went to the loo to pee.  My arms, wrists, and fingers were like jell-o.  They wouldn't respond to my brain despite the urgency of needing to piss, and when I did finally get my dick out of my shorts, my urine was discolored and putrid.  Despite the fact that I wasn't dead yet, I felt certain that I soon would be.

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The pilot took off his shirt and swam like a champ, eventually making it across the length of the pond and back again, which according to him, was his routine.  When he made it back to me, he sat on his knees, with about half of his torso out of the water.  Here we were out in the middle of nowhere, just he and I, sitting half naked in a breathtakingly beautiful freshwater pond, relaxing and ?.  

When I was in high school, I harbored porn in my room in the form of a wall calendar or two that I kept hidden away.  These were calendars that I would nervously purchase from retailers like this one in our local mall.  One particular calendar's cover model I had lusted after on countless occasions, weaving elaborate fantasies with the image in mind.  The photograph was taken with the model facing the camera whilst partially submerged in a swimming pool.  About half of his torso was exposed to the lens.  There was something about that photograph that made it almost effortless to be swept away.

The pilot, I soon discovered, had been a Marine, hence his physical prowess and athletic ability.  He admitted to not being in top form before telling me more details than I ever expected to find out about his life.  In looking back, he must have been lonely, having spent the majority of his time outside of our group back at the lodge.  I enjoyed being a listening ear as we continued to query each other during the course of this lazy afternoon.

Eventually, my hands were very wrinkly and my body temp started to fall, hence the chills we both began to experience.  We got out and dried off before hopping in the truck and returning home.  I truly felt refreshed.  The arduous ride had been worth the pain to experience that final hour with my new friend.

Evening came and I decided to turn in a bit early after dinner.  Everyone had their own room with a private bath.  Since this was our last night, my colleagues decided to stay up and party.  I soon found that I had the dormitory portion of the compound to myself for all practical purposes. 

And that was just what I wanted.

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I gave my roommate no indication of the misery I was facing after spending those few hours with him.  Showering was the hardest part though.  Not being able to lift my arms made for an interesting game of "prop the limb on the shower stall wall".  By the end of it, my frame was shaky and weak, like a rubber band that had been stretched out way too far.  I felt miserable both physically and mentally.

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The guilt I experienced after lusting after my new friend whilst pleasuring myself via masturbation was akin to having someone instantly teleport me to the icy cold surface of the moon.  The dark side of the moon, that is.  I cannot remember ever feeling so utterly alone and despondent than at that time.  It was as if God had truly abandoned me for defiling such an honest and worthwhile gift.  This soldier did not deserve to be corrupted by my hedonistic mind.  Never could I have imagined the emotional and spiritual consequences of biting into this particularly wicked fruit.


One might argue that didn't occur.  I know it's possible to do this because I had done so many times before.  That's why I used and abused my porno calendars so often when I was a child.  Because those were photographs of men I'd never met, it was easier to justify, but this was very, very different.  The notion of truly private pleasure only holds water when you remove an all knowing, sovereign God out of the equation.  Plus, one cannot deny the fact that I was no longer a child either physically or spiritually. 

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I only went back to the gym with my roommate once again during that school year, and during the second workout, I still followed along and continued to be severely misled as to how one should begin (much less maintain) a strength training routine.  What I did take away from this experience was how not to take the first steps into a gym, though thankfully, I did not allow myself to become disenfranchised.

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When I think back on this trip, it is bittersweet.  I feel blessed to have been asked to go, but have deep regret for making a mockery of God's provision through my actions during that last day.  This particular stumble represented a turning point for me.  About the same time, my responsibilities as a husband were becoming much more difficult to bear.  Soon thereafter, I sought counsel from one of our pastors, who had known me for most of my life, asking specifically for assistance relative to my propensity to lust AND REVEALING MY SEXUAL IDENTITY ISSUES OPEN AND HONESTLY.  I did not want to abuse and distort anymore opportunities God had in store for me down the road, no matter the circumstances! 

As you can imagine, the plane ride back was the hardest part for me.  Satan had reason to celebrate on that fateful day.  Stupid Rob.

Where am I at today?  What if I were faced with the same circumstances?  How would I react? 

Where are you at today?  Has God put men in your life, for your benefit, that you find yourself playing out imagined scenarios with?  Are these scenarios built on lust?

If so, the next step to harvesting your sexual gratification is so very small, especially if you find yourself in a position where your new friend is also willing to play with the same fire that you are.  Know this:  Eventually God's protection and provision will cease to be, and he will turn both us over to our fleshly desires if we don't repent.

THERE'S NO BETTER DAY THAN TODAY TO ASK FOR HELP.  AND NO, EVERYONE ISN'T DOING IT.

Lagniappe     

Wound deep

In many ways, this is a continuation of this previous post.

When straight guys walk into a room full of other guys, the first thing they do is rank themselves against the other gentlemen.  This is an amazingly complex process that happens within a matter of seconds.  And that's not to say that the ranking is set in concrete from those few moments forward.  It is somewhat open ended for a few minutes, but overall it doesn't take long for a man's opinion of himself and others to hydrate.

This ranking takes physical factors into consideration primarily but also knowledge relative to others' achievements / abilities come into play. 

When a gay man walks into a room full of other guys, they don't do this, or if they do, it's on a much smaller scale.  Gay men could care less about rank.  They're looking for something else.  It's that something else that makes us so fascinating (at least to me).

And that something else isn't necessarily related to sex in any way shape or form.

Countdown to middle age

$10,054.60 remaining as of today.

Some of the most destructive things in life are (relatively) free

When I look back over my life, I find that it's the free stuff that has hurt me the most.  Me being my faith, my reputation, my sense of self worth.

As a teenager, it was free time that I chose to use unwisely weekend after weekend after weekend.  Deeply complicent gay sexual fantasies coupled with masturbation were the abnormalized norm for me.  This was especially true on Sunday afternoons when I was cordoned off within my bedroom.  This habit came about as I attempted to cope with the ramifications (same sex attraction) of my severely dysfunctional relationship with my Dad / Mom as well as my intense hatred / shame relative to my body.  From my face to my feet, there was NOTHING I could find to be proud of.  Hence the pleasure of making myself believe that other guys were consumed with the object of my disgust...me.

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Years ago, Angie was working for a small business that only consisted of a couple of other individuals.  Her position was part time, and the majority of the work she did for this company was from home.  Unexpectedly, the owners of this organization decided to move 100 miles away from Jackson.  Despite this fact, they wanted to keep Ang on board even going so far as to ask her to open a post office box on behalf of the business here in town.  Essentially, her role, as well as the role of the P.O. box, was to serve as a "branch" of this business within the greater Jackson area.

She immediately rented a post office box which I would usually check on my way home from work every other day.  The first day I did so, there were at least 5 different catalogs in the box that had been sent to the previous box owner by default.  I thought these had simply accumulated during the period of box transition, but for the next two weeks, this continued to occur.  Every day I'd check the box, there were 5 or 6 different catalogs.  If I failed to check it for more than a few days, it would be completely stuffed full of them.  

Systematically, I began telephoning the catalog companies each evening to ask for this particular post office box and subscriber to be removed from their mailing list.  It would take from 15 to 30 minutes each evening to accomplish this depending on how long I had to wait on hold.  Over a period of 3 to 4 months, each company had been notified and eventually the box only received mail for the business Angie was working for.  I would bet that I contacted at least 100 different companies during that period of time, politely asking them to cease and desist due to the fact that the post office box now belonged to a new owner.

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Numerous individuals that I work with smoke cigarettes on multiple occasions during the day.  Since our building is smoke free, they are relegated to a handful of outdoor spaces which are adjacent to it.  Like clockwork, I hear them call out to each other in a smokers' chorus prior to feeding their nicotine addiction collectively.

Smoking has to be the coolest habit one can acquire.  Not only do you have an excuse to take a break from work but you gain companionship as well.  Plus, it does wonders to one's voice.  Too bad it's so unhealthy and such a huge waste of time and money (when totaled up).

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In the past, we attended a Sunday School class at our church for new members.  I enjoy meeting new people and seized upon the opportunity on one particular Sunday when I noticed a woman sitting close to the back alone.  She looked overall unkempt and a bit haggard.  After the class, I made my way over to her to introduce myself.  After telling me her name and such, she mentioned why she only made it to church on occasion.  It was due to the constant care necessitated by the sheer quantity of pets she found herself responsible for.  I asked her to explain. 

This was the first time I'd ever met a stray animal hoarder.

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Video games (especially online video games) are popular ways to pass the time, but what if you spend an hour a day doing this or perhaps an ENTIRE WEEKEND? 

We tend to compartmentalize, like the post office box, these destructive behaviors, hoping no one will notice.  This is especially true of behaviors involving computers.  We consider it to be our time, our escape, OURS DAMMIT!

When I was 18, I left home and went to college.  I made up my mind during the summer after high school that I'd wasted enough time watching television, and therefore I was going to delete it from my life.  This didn't happen overnight, but over the course of my freshman year, I began to see television very differently having spent so little time in front of it during that time.  My sophomore roommate was sorely disappointed when I unpacked my car and failed to bring a tv into our dorm room.

I didn't want to waste time doing something that felt mindless and that only resulted in me staring at a stupid box whilst pushing the buttons on a remote anymore.  For me, this was one of the best decisions I ever made.  And after I made up my mind to do it, it really wasn't all that difficult to accomplish, thanks be to God.

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Destructive behaviors leave residue all over their victims.  You might believe you have your vice neatly compartmentalized, but you're wrong.  Wondering why you were passed over at work or why you have no friends?  Wondering why you're marriage is a joke or your faith is infantile?  Just look at how you choose to spend your free time.  There might be something there that needs close attention. 

Analyze it.  Get disgusted (at yourself).  Pray for strength.  Tap into God's resurrection power and change your life for the better.  If you can't do it alone, talk to your pastor, or find a new friend who is willing to help you clean out that compartment. 

Remember, your reputation is the most important thing God's given you besides His grace.  Protect it.  Cherish it.  From the inside out.

Lagniappe
More Lagniappe

Gentleman porn

My Tim is a porn addict.  It took awhile for me to come to grips with this despite the fact that he labeled himself as such early on in our friendship.  I honestly didn't think men could become addicted to porn.  I'd always felt as if porn use was something that could be stopped outright at any particular point in time.

So what defines an addict, whether they're addicted to pornography or alcohol or some other particular "medication"?

I'm no psychologist, but for me, an addict is definitely someone who feels no guilt or remorse for using.  They're completely numb to their conscience relative to their addiction.  That's why they use as often and in such quantities as they do.  Secondly, they're addiction impedes them on some level.  Even if it's to the tiniest degree, it hampers their progress as ________ (fill in the blank).  For Tim, (in general terms) it's his vocation and his faith that it hampers dramatically.

At this point in time, my Tim has given me access to all of his internet capable devices via a program called Covenant Eyes and he's seeing a therapist weekly.  Covenant Eyes monitors his browsing on his laptop / desktop / smartphone and sends me a scheduled report.  The report grades all of the websites that have been visited, thereby giving me an overview of whether or not he's stayed on the narrow road versus the more typical path taken by the average mid-thirties white male.

For close to 2.5 months, he was essentially porn free until this past weekend.

On Super Bowl Sunday, a few hours before the big game, he visited this site for around 10 minutes. 

Spartacus Vengeance (A Starz Original Series), ladies and gentlemen is what I like to call gentleman porn, and this is what he allowed himself to escape within.  The entire program is close to an hour long.  I'll be interested to find out which parts caught his fancy.

Let's dissect it together so we can better understand my definition.

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1.  Gentleman porn has a specific appeal.

-   It's target audience is male.  They're educated.  They're white.  They're IT savvy, and they're under the age of 40.

The level of abject violence within this genre serves to ward off most females.  Since it's historical fiction, an educated mind helps the viewer to follow along / justify viewing.  The pilot (and I suppose future episodes) can be / will be available to view via streaming from STARZ's website.  Note the exclusive token black character and the fact that there are no elderly or children in sight.

2.  Gentleman porn contains well choreographed, though always simulated, violence and sex. 

-  Computer generated imagery (CGI) is utilized to achieve comic book levels of kills and erotica.  The use of slow-motion exemplifies this.  It's a cheap device which manipulates the viewer that much further by screaming "LOOK HERE!  LOOK HERE!"

Notice the photorealistic kills where the camera lingers as men's throat's are cut or punctured through entirely.  S-l-o-w down the sex.  In particular, watch how it captures the lovers' (fake) facial expressions as they're dowsed with drink.  Did that concubine really insert that strap-on dong inside that dude's arse?  Nahhhh. 

3.  Gentleman porn is almost exclusively filmed overseas.

-  An overabundance of extras as well as filming on location give these films a look of credible authenticity.

I'm assuming the pay scale is less overseas.  Certainly, overseas actors are less cautious relative to what they're willing to invest themselves into.  Unfortunately, US production companies are well respected, hence drawing unsuspecting victims to it like a moth to a flame.  Unfortunately, this work will be an albatross on every actors' resume, despite the fact that Sam Raimi produced.  Remember that extras get paid little if anything for their involvement in filmed productions.  Most of the fight / sex scenes are filled with them.  

4.  Gentleman porn is television based.

-  If it's on television, it's okay to watch, right?

"What's on TV tonight Mom?  Can we watch another episode of Spartacus?"


"Sure honey.  Just help me put away the dishes first."

5.  Gentleman porn has high production standards.

-  Current US television standards relative to production quality continue to rival film standards due to inexpensive special effects tech.

6.  Gentleman porn has both straight and gay appeal.

-  It strives to be non-offensive to its audience and universally accessible no matter your sexual orientation.

Spartacus Vengeance is a particularly apt example of this.  And this descriptor, I would argue, is one of the most important because the wider the net the producer can cast, the better his chances of catching as many viewers (see item 1) as possible.

Note the homoerotic costuming, simulated gay sex scenes, and Joel Schumacher levels of simulated perspiration throughout.  


Man, those guys must really stink!

7.  Gentleman porn is / can be streamed online.

-  No commercials / ads.  Plenty of opportunity to revisit specific scenes.

Related to item 1.  Hit.  Re-hit, and re-hit.  Come back whenever you'd like 24/7!  Perfect for laptops, tablets, and phones.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST:

8.  Gentleman porn uses actors who look like real people.

-  The girl / boy next door look is what you'll find within these ranks.

These actors have flaws.  None of them rank as perfect 10s.  So much homogeneity is here, that you're bound to find a character that's easy to relate to.  When you see yourself or your peers in the faces of these, it gives one that much more incentive to invest oneself in the images / story.  Note that there no black / asian people overall.


"That girl / guy looks just like ________."

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This is re-packaged porn for the gentleman in your life.  It started decades ago with Playboy magazine.  Now, we have this.  The basic descriptors are the same as they were decades ago.  It's only in the finer details relative to technology that we see some evolution of the species.

Streaming video - the technology - is the key to making this iteration of gentleman porn possible.  Ah, the beauty of high speed internet access and superfast (and super inexpensive) graphics processors.  Where would society be without you?


On a final note, gentleman porn will never show an erect penis on screen.  Erect penises are the holy grail of true pornography.  But, the inclusion of the strap-on dildo (prominently displayed on camera) was a clever bait & switch technique. 


Please pray for my Tim and his very personal battle against his addiction to pornography.  Please pray for me as I continue to serve him as an accountability partner.  Please pray for his therapist.  And finally, please pray for all those involved in the production of Spartacus Vengeance.  Pray that someday, they'll be convicted of the huge waste of their time, energy, and talent on such a destructive and self-serving endeavor.


Don't be deceived.  Steer clear of gentleman porn.  If you're interested in learning about Spartacus, pick up a history book after shutting down your browser.  Better still would be for you to pick up God's word and read 1 and 2 Samuel.  It's just as entertaining AND completely authentic.   

Defining maturity

It's owning up to who you are.  Both the positive and negative attributes.  While at the same time, recognizing the imperfectness (as a reflection of yourself) of those around you (relative to your situation).

And doing this during the lowest of times, hence providing yourself with an opportunity to grow through it.  For your own benefit but also for others' (future others' as well as your family, friends).

All the while, gravitating towards the goodness of God and the countless blessings he's bestowed upon you.  Blessings that will undoubtedly continue to be showered down.  Blessings that are undeserved.